Friday, February 02, 2007

 

Timothy Noah Is a Very Silly Man

Like most of the writers at Slate, Timothy Noah strenously adheres to the prime directive of the Gang of 500: "Thou shalt always sneer at Democratic candidates for president while kissing the ample behinds of Republican candidates for president." So, in that spirit, he's started a Barack Obama Messiah Watch to police the media and protect us against any positive mentions of the candidate. (h/t to Atrios)

Well, IMHO, there are a couple of candidates -- though they're not Democrats -- who are far more in need of Messiah Watches, so I sat right down and wrote the Slateista a letter:

Mr. Noah,

I would hope that you would also consider a Rudy “America’s Mayor” Giuliani Messiah Watch.
Of course, if Rudy had a "D" after his name, we'd be hearing 24/7 about his incest problem -- his first marriage to his second cousin -- as well as his serial adultery. The Beltway Blowhards would be incessantly informing us about how Rudy had a Gavin Newsome-style affair with an aide, then paraded his next mistress in public while his second wife and children were still living in the mayoral mansion. Oh, and I almost forgot about how Saint Rudy informed the media about his plans to file for divorce from his 2nd wife before he told her.

Then they’d be breathlessly telling us about how America’s Mayor scrubbed mentions of his children from his exploratory committee website.

But since Rudy has an "R" after his name, America will never hear about any of this dirty laundry. If he had a "D" after his name, however, not only would the cable "news" outlets be pushing this nasty info down our throats 24/7, but it would also have its own colorful graphics and theme music.

- monchie b. monchum

P.S. Of course, it’s obvious that a Saint John McCain Messiah Watch is also a necessity. Somehow the Beltway Blowhards always fail to inform us of Saint John’s own zipper problem, not to mention his membership in the Keating 5...that info must’ve been thrown down the old memory hole around the mid 90s or so.

P.P.S. I don’t really expect that you or Slate, as members in good standing in the Gang of 500, will actually institute such Messiah Watches. After all, if the actual Messiah Himself, Jesus Christ, was a Democratic candidate for president, we’d be endlessly hearing about Jesus’ own dirty laundry – you know, that rumored kinky foot affair with a prostitute. Then we’d be endlessly bombarded with free airings of TV commercials produced by Cana Wedding Attendees for Truth, telling us all about how Jesus turned a nice non-alcoholic wedding into a boozefest. Plus, we’d hear this talking point relentlessly pushed by the punditocracy (both the right wing and the I’m-not-a-liberal-but-I-play-one-on-TV wing): “Jesus claims to be a man of peace – prince of peace even – yet he threw those hard-working moneychangers out of the temple! Jesus obviously doesn’t know who He is. Is He the man of peace He claims to be, or the street thug we saw on display at the temple?” And meanwhile, we’d all be told about how the Republican candidate, Satan, is a nice guy you’d like to have a beer with.

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