Tuesday, February 11, 2003


Democratic Presidential Candidate Accused of Having a “Character Problem”

NEW YORK, NY – September 14, 2004 – Democratic presidential nominee Jesus Christ has come under heavy criticism in recent days due to a series of campaign missteps. After receiving a big bump in the polls due to His acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention—an address that praised the efforts of peacemakers and the dignity of the poor—Mr. Christ has careened from one crisis to another.

First there was the Cana affair. While the wedding He attended there was originally an alcohol-free event, once Mr. Christ showed up, the wine started flowing freely, shocking many attendees. In the wake of the Cana controversy, anti-alcohol activists have relentlessly attacked Mr. Christ, claiming He was insensitive to wedding attendees who were alcoholics or potential alcoholics.

Then, just yesterday, Mr. Christ displayed his dark side for all to see as he physically threw money-changers out of the local temple. The money-changers, who have been working out of the temple for many years, were understandably outraged and threatened to sue. “This is all just politics,” said John Thomas, a third-generation temple money-changer. “He claims that we’re dishonoring His Father’s house. Well, I ain’t never seen His Father around the temple, and my father and my father’s father both say they never saw His Father at the temple.”

So, not only did Mr. Christ display a violent side to his personality, but He has also raised questions about His credibility. Not one person in the surrounding neighborhood can recall the temple ever being Mr. Christ’s Father’s house.

At the same time, persistent rumors have been floating around with regard to Mr. Christ’s actual parentage. Several different sources have claimed that Mr. Christ’s mother, Mary, was impregnated by someone other than her husband, Joseph. “They’re hiding something big,” claims slate.com columnist Mickey Kaus. “If Christ is truly Jewish, as He has always claimed, how come He was given an Hispanic first name like Jesus?”

As Mr. Christ’s poll numbers sink, the questions about His background and honesty continue to swirl around Him, with no end in sight. “Yes, Jesus Christ has a severe character problem that’s become quite evident to everyone,” says commentator Joan Vennochi of the Boston Globe. “One minute He claims to be a Man of Peace--Prince of Peace even--and the next minute He’s throwing hard-working money-changers out of the temple. This is a Man who obviously doesn’t know who He is. And now He claims that His Father used to live at the temple! The Man is delusional and needs professional help!”

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